I’m an absolute sucker for diving into the depths of the official NFL Shop to find the weirdest items on offer, but I’m not used to finding pure, unbridled horror. Then I found the “New England Patriots Holiday Tiki Mascot Ornament” and I’ll never be the same again.
This monstrosity is on sale for $2.80, which is $2.80 too much. This isn’t a gift, it’s a curse. You invite this horrific Patriot into your house and suddenly you can’t find your scissors, then the chef’s knife is gone. You brush it all off as a mistake, surely you just misplaced them while thinking about other things. That is until your beloved animals start missing, finally it’s too late and the tiki ornament is killing your family in a hellish bloodbath.
It should be noted that the Patriot isn’t the only tiki ornament available on NFL Shop, there are several — but only the Pats one is $2.80, because even the NFL knows how cursed it is.
The most alarming part of this is that the Pats ornament is listed as “almost gone,” meaning that people have actually been purchasing these for themselves, friends, or loved ones. Why you’d invite this into your home is beyond me, but I’m just so very afraid for anyone who opens this thing as a gift.